Back to reality

This weekend was great distraction from our failed IVF. Don't get me wrong, we still thought about it and shed some tears but we also had fun.

As many of you know IF can tear apart a marriage but strangely it has made ours stronger. We have been through so much in the last 4 months (my dad dying & a failed IVF) but we just hold on tight to each other and get through!! We have fallen in love all over again since we heard the news of our negative beta. DH has been such an amazing support, and I am so impressed with how he has handled everything. I am so thankful for my marriage!!

Here are the details of last week........

Beta #1 - On Wednesday my blood was taken @ 8:30 am and I got teary eyed in the office because this was the last step of this long IVF process. I still hadn't heard anything by 2pm so I sent the nurse an e-mail. I received the e-mail at 3:15pm so I called DH and he was on his way home. We talked about wanting to open it together, but he was only 3 minutes away so I went ahead and opened it while I was on the phone with him. I immediately scanned the e-mail and didn't see a beta number so I knew it wasn't good...then I saw the word "sorry" and said "oh no, it's not good". Then I saw the word "negative" and told DH it was over and hung up the phone. I fell onto the couch and started sobbing. DH ran through the door two minutes later and just held me. I cried really hard for 5 minutes and then DH and I stared out the window in silence for 15 minutes. We were both in awe and couldn't believe it didn't work. DH ended up cancelling a meeting that night AND taking Thursday and Friday off work so I didn't have to be alone....thank god!!

The next 48 hours were long, (while waiting for beta #2) but we just tried to keep ourselves busy. I was convinced that I was not pregnant and already started grieving, but DH still held out hope that I was. It was strange that we weren't on the same page, but we agreed to let each other deal with the news the way we wanted without criticizing. We did agreed that whether the news was good or bad, we needed a break after this long IVF cycle. On Thursday we made reservations to be out of town for the weekend. We had something to look forward to...so that helped pass the time till beta #2

Beta #2 - On Friday I got my blood drawn at 9 am and I was angry that I was having to get stuck in the arm just to probably hear later that I wasn't pregnant. We left for our mini vacation as soon as I was done. We got to our destination at 12:30, checked into our hotel then went to lunch. As we were in the restaurant waiting for our food the nurse called. We ran outside put the phone on speaker just in time to hear her say "I'm sorry your beta number hasn't changed since Wednesday, you are NOT pregnant". I unemotionally said "I figured that....how soon can I do the FET?" Probably June, even though I was hoping for May. She transfer us to the receptionist to make a WTF appointment with Dr. A. I am pleased that we have a phone consult this Thursday. I was holding it together until we heard the pity in the receptionist's voice. As soon as we got off the phone I cried for a minute and then felt a bit a relief from just having a definite answer. The waiting is torture.

We have been waiting for 2 years!! Every month for these last 2 years we have been disappointed with the news that we are NOT pregnant. It has been a very long and emotional roller coaster with no end in sight!! I feel like I just wait for the days to pass until we can try again. I feel like I am just watching my life pass by, and that is a not a good feeling.

Overall I am doing better than I expected, but that might be because I am just not talking about it. I haven't talked to anyone besides my DH about the fact that IVF didn't work. Most of our friends and only one family member knew we were doing IVF. I haven't wanted to face them yet. I sent out a text that it didn't work and that I would call when I was ready to talk....it's still too raw.

I have moments where the sadness overtakes my body and I start crying. But the main thing that is getting us through this "loss" is that we have 5 frozen blasts waiting for us and we are already planning for our FET.

Thank you for all of your support...it means the world to me to know I am not alone. Also, thanks to whoever has been posting my IVF journey on LFCA...I'll take all the support I can get!! I'm taking a little break from reading other blogs, but you are still in my thoughts...I just need some time.