Busy

Hi...I know its been a while.  I have been very busy preparing for the addition on our home.  I am the general contractor so I have A LOT of work to do...phone calls, paper work & coordinating NOT manual labor!!  I also haven't had much to say in the IF department.  We did have a WTF discussion with our RE.  We decided to do The NKa test to check for elevated natural killer cells.  I took that blood test last Thursday (8/26) and it should take 7-10 days to get the results back.  We are waiting for the test results to make any decision for our next cycle.  We are signed up for the October cycle.  AF still hasn't shown since my failed FET.  Our last IVF cycle I started right on time, so this is a little strange.  Oh well I'm not dwelling on it.

There is more to talk about but I just haven't felt like blogging or reading blogs.  I know we all get into that rut, but I feel guilty that I haven't been reading and commenting on your blogs.  I promise I will get back into it soon.

This Thursday, September 2nd is my 31st birthday.  I'm a bit sad that I am still not even pregnant, but I am not going to let that ruin my day.

UPDATED - AF came this afternoon...yay! This is good because my RE wants me to have one full period before starting another cycle.

ICLW

Happy August ICLW Week!!! 

Welcome to those of you who are stopping by for the first time and hello to my loyal readers.

I'm Jessica.  My DH and I have been TTC since May 2008...over 2 YEARS!!  We thought our only problem was male factor - low morphology, but we've done 6 IUI's, 1 IVF with ICSI and most recently an FET...all unsuccessful, so we are wondering if there is something else going on!! You can get the long detailed version of our IF journey at the top of my blog. 

We have a WTF phone consult about our failed FET with my RE on Tuesday 8-24.  We have 2 frosties left, but I have a feeling he will suggest doing another fresh cycle and do PGD...which tests the embryos for abnormalities.  We shall see......

I try not to let infertility define me, which is almost impossible but there is more to me than that...

I love to TRAVEL....It's one of the only things that keeps me sane.  DH & I have been on 2-3 vacations a year since we met 8 years ago.  We are going to the Dominican Republic in less than a month for our anniversary!!

 In the Dominican on our Honeymoon

I love PHOTOGRAPHY...its a hobby now but I recently got a new camera and hope to eventually start my own small business.  Children are my favorite subjects!!

   

Last but not least I love to REMODEL....my DH would actually say I am obsessed with it.  Our house was totally outdated when we bought it, DH was not happy because he knew how much work was ahead of him.  We got it for a great deal and put lots of TLC into it and now it looks great.  Next month we are doing a MAJOR addition...more to come on that later!!

That's me in a nutshell....thanks for stopping by!

Beta # 2

2nd beta confirmed that I am not pregnant......

Beta # 1

NEGATIVE!!

We have been TTC for over 2 years with NOTHING to show for it...except heartbreak, lost time, 15 extra lbs., and A LOT less money.  It feels like such a waste!!! I am angry, sad, defeated.  I am tired of pumping myself full of drugs.  I am tired of going to the RE.  I am tired of spending our money.  I am tired of getting my heartbroken cycle after cycle....ALL FOR NOTHING!!! 
  
DH was supposed to go to work less than an hour after we got the call.  He was very upset so he called in sick to work...which he NEVER does.  He cried more than I did (don't tell him I told you that..lol), I was the rock this time.  Usually he is the strong one, but this time it really hit him.  Even though I was devastated too, I was happy to comfort him and let him grieve. 

I am glad he stayed home because neither one of us wanted to be away from each other after hearing that horrible news.  We sat around and sulked for an hour and talked about how sad we are and how unfair it is that we are good people and bad things keep happening to us...we can't catch a f**king break!!  Then we went to our favorite bakery and bought ourselves a "treat" (hence the extra 15-20lbs. since TTC), then went home and made dinner and played games.  The one good thing that has come out of this TTC nightmare is our relationship.  We are stronger than ever and I can't imagine going through his without my best friend!!  

For some reason I dealt with this negative better than out first IVF failure.  Doubt started to creep in the day before the beta.  I was pretty convinced it was going to be negative.  It's hard to believe that we would finally get pregnant after 27 cycles!!  That's a very unsettling feeling...because we aren't ready to give up but its also hard to still have hope after all the disappointment.  I still cried when I heard the news but I bounced back quicker than I expected.  Part of me is relieved just knowing the outcome....its so hard being in limbo.

The other thing that made this easier to deal with was that we didn't tell anyone that we were doing an FET...so we didn't have to call people with the bad news.  Last time some of our friends and family knew we were doing IVF and the specific dates we were going to do the beta and it was really hard to have to keep repeating that it didn't work.  I'm glad we kept this cycle to ourselves!!

DH and I are joining a local gym today.  I am ready to get off my ass and start losing that extra weight TTC has given me.  No more excuses!!  
 
I have to go get another beta tomorrow just to make sure it's really negative....which I think is very cruel!  I understand why they do it, BUT come on!!  We have a WTF appointment in less than 2 weeks, where we will talk about when to transfer our last 2 frozen embies.

Thank you for your continued support!!

4dp5dt

Today I am 4dp5dt and am feeling strangely calm.  Last IVF cycle I was a wreck for the 6 days between transfer and beta #1.  This time I think its easier because we have been in this situation before and physically I feel great.  As I have said before the FET is so much easier on your body and that in turn makes it easier emotionally.  Don't get me wrong...the outcome of this cycle is never far from my mind, it's just that I am not obsessing as much.  I have stayed away from Dr. Google and comparing my cycle to other FET blogs. 

DH & I have done a good job of keeping ourselves busy.  We went to the Botanical Gardens on Saturday and I got some more practice with my new camera.

Last night we went and saw Foot Loose at Muny, which is an outdoor theater in the park.  They have 7 weekly shows during the summer.  We have season tickets, so we make it a date night every week...dinner & the theater.  We really enjoy those nights!!

I just hit 100 followers...Who hoo!!  I never thought that more than a few people would read my blog.  I started writing as a therapeutic exercise to help me work through my feelings of dealing with infertility.  I hope that my blog has helped some women know they are not alone in this very lonely journey.   

My 1st beta is on Wednesday morning.  My clinic doesn't usually share the results until they get the 2nd beta but I have requested to find out the 1st beta just like last cycle.  I might test tomorrow, but definitely Wednesday morning!!!  Fingers crossed!!

PUPO

I was very nervous today about how the embryos were going to thaw.  As soon as we got into the office my nurse coordinator came into the waiting room and told us that of the 3 they thawed 2 were great and the other one didn't make it.  I was very pleased and relieved with the outcome.  They gave us the option to thaw the remaining 2 but we decided to leave them frozen and transfer the 2 they had just thawed.  I have to admit I was nervous about transferring 3 at one time so it worked out great.  I am a little sad that one of them didn't make it, but we are thrilled about the other 2.   

I am on bed rest for the next 24 hours while I let these 2 embryos snuggle in!!

Emotions galore

Throughout this cycle I have been laid back and calm, but today I am flooded with emotions.  I have that nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach about the possible outcome of this FET.  I am anxious about the thawing process.  We will be thawing 3, but as you know not every embryo survives the thaw.  We are hoping that all 3 thaw correctly and we transfer them. If only 2 make it then we will transfer 2.  If only 1 makes it then we will thaw the remaining 2...which means we have to thaw all 5 remaining embryos at one time.  Obviously we don't want to have to do that, because we want to have the reassurance that we still have 2 embryos left in case this FET doesn't work or even if it does we would like to have more children later on.  We won't know how many they had to thaw until we get to the office for the transfer tomorrow.  I wish they could tell us before we get there so I have time to digest the outcome..especially if it's not good.

I am hopeful this FET is going to work.  I am hesitant to even say that in fear that I will be even more devastated if it doesn't work.  I used to guard my heart by assuming that whatever treatment we were doing wouldn't work...that way I would be less upset if it was unsuccessful.  That doesn't really make much sense to me now.  Why are we going through all of this if we are just going to assume its not going to bring a child to our family.  I am going to embrace hope (for now anyway)!!  We all know how our feelings change as we get further along in the 2ww.    

I am excited about the transfer tomorrow!!