Beta # 2

Confirmed what we already knew......I'm not pregnant.

Waste

That is the word of the day...actually "waste" is the word of the last 2 1/2 YEARS!!!

I'm sure you can see where this is going......Beta # 1...NEGATIVE! 
It is very rare for it to go up, so here we are once again with nothing! 

It feels like the last 2 1/2 years have been such a waste!
WASTE of time
WASTE of money...lots of money
WASTE of physical pain
and mostly a WASTE of emotional pain

DH actually called the office to get the beta result yesterday because I couldn't bear hearing the pity in there voice.  As he was talking to the nurse he gave me the thumbs down and I immediately started to cry.  I felt like it was going to be negative because we have never gotten a positive in 2 1/2 years and it seems impossible at this point, but its never easy to hear.  All I could say after he got off the phone was:
What a waste....This is not fair...I am tired of doing this...I am just so fucking pissed!!
I think at this point I am more angry than sad...but I 'm sure that will change.

I went into this weird accelerated grieving process after I heard the news. 
I cried (5 minutes)
DH & I talked about what to do next (5 minutes)
We made a WTF appointment with the RE (1 minute)
I found out the 2011 cycle dates and signed up for an FET in January (2 minutes)

So within 15 minutes we were all set with our next plan of action.  I know it seems strange, but I am a planner and this is what helps me move on.  Let me explain our thought process. 

We found out last week that they froze 2 "normal" grade 2 blasts.  We were thrilled with that news, and even more thrilled now that we actually need them.  They are our insurance policy!!  So we have 4 frozen blasts....2 "normal" blasts from this cycle and 2 unknown blasts (they weren't tested) from my 1st cycle.  Part of me is ready to give up on this, but we have spend so much money that I don't want to waste 4 embryos.  I would also have a hard time walking away right now without playing the "what if" game.  So our tentative plan is to thaw all 4 embryos and do a FET in January with the ones that successfully thaw.  

If that doesn't work then we have decided to stop treatment and start the adoption process.  Ultimately we just want to be parents!!

Emotionally we are doing better than we have in the past, but sadly I think we are just getting used to all the disappointment.  It also helps to think that in a few months I will either be pregnant or starting the adoption process.  We will finally be getting somewhere in our quest to be a family!! 

I just wish it wasn't this HARD!! 

Flyin' high!

LITERALLY!!

The night before my ER last week our friend who is a pilot told us to call him anytime we wanted to go for a quick flight.  I told him we would go anytime!!!  He told us to meet him at the airport at 3:30pm that day!  When we got to the airport he asked us if we were hungry and if we wanted to go to dinner in Memphis to have the best BBQ ribs....considering we live in St. Louis we were flabbergasted!!  So we got on the 4 seater plane and traveled 285 miles to eat dinner.   

The sunset as we landed in Memphis was beautiful!!

The World Famous Rendezvous Restaurant 

Best ribs

We walked around Beale Street after dinner.

Looking down on Memphis on the way home

We took a flight to Memphis, had dinner, walked around Beale Street, flew back home, and were in our own bed by 11pm!  It was so fun and we felt so lucky to be able to go on such an amazing adventure.  It was a great way to keep our minds off the ER.   

This is my 200th post!! 

ET

As soon as we got to the office for the transfer my nurse came and told us that we had 4 normal embryos out of the 12 that were tested.  We were happy with that number.  To be honest if most of them were normal it would have left us with unanswered questions.  Now we feel like this could be one of the reasons we haven't gotten pregnant. 

We transferred 2:  One grade one blastocyst, and one grade 2 early blast.  The other two are a not quite blasts yet and are grade 3 which isn't great, but they said if they continue to grow today they will freeze them.  We know they are "normal" and the RE said plenty of babies have been born from grade 3 embryos.  They should send us the entire report for the testing in that mail. 

 Now we are focusing on the awesome blasts that were transferred today.  I feel very lucky that we had 4 normal because I knew that it was a possibility to have none.

I am resting for the next 24 hours and letting DH wait on me hand and foot!!

Transfer in less than an hour!!

The office called at 9am telling me I am set for a transfer at 10:30am.  I asked how many embryos came back "normal" and the nurse didn't know!  She said she was told by the lab to call me and come in for a transfer so that means I have at least one or two.  I am happy about that, but still nervous to get to the office and find out how many we actually have. 

I am chugging water and running out the door for my transfer!!!  Who hoo!!

Please call...

I didn't sleep well last night in anticipation of today's call from the RE.  I have no idea when they are going to call, or if I am even going to have a transfer today.  As you know my 12 embryos were sent to be tested (PGD) and I am so nervous that the news will not be good.  I would be fine if only 2 came back normal, but of course I would like more.  I am just scared of the worst case scenario...they are all abnormal and I have nothing to transfer!! 

I hope they call soon!!!!

Good day!!

Things are going extremely well today.

• Our city inspector came by to inspect the framing, electrical, and plumbing of the new addition and we passed!!  That means we are ready for drywall.  This is a huge relief!
• We needed to buy 3 pocket doors at Lowe's but were going to have to go to 2 different stores but when we got to the 1st store the delivery truck had just gotten there and saved us a trip to another store!  (This may sound dumb, but it saved us a lot of time)
• We have another home that wasn't selling so we decided to try and rent it and found out this morning that 2 different families want to sign a year lease!! 

and for the BEST news of the day......

• We got our Day 3 update from the RE.  All 12 of our embryos are still going strong.  They are all grade 1 & 2 and between 7-10 celled.  The nurse said this is the best case scenario!!  Now they will be sent off to be tested and the RE will call Thursday with how many are "normal".  I am a little nervous about that, but am trying to enjoy all the positives that happened today! 

All this happened before 11 am this morning...hopefully the good luck continues!

Fertilization

We had 24 eggs retrieved, only 17 were mature, and 12 fertilized.  So we are down to half of what we started with.  We were both a little disappointed with the news this morning but know that we are lucky to have 12 eggs.  Its just that last cycle we had 26 fertilize, but we didn't get a baby from any of those eggs so I guess it doesn't matter how many you have.  

We are doing PGD testing this cycle.  We will get a call on Day 3 (Tuesday) letting us know how many are still growing strong and will be sent to be tested.  Then on Day 5 (Thursday) we will get a call with how many embryos are chromosomally normal and what time to come in for the transfer.  I am scared that we will get a call saying that none of our embryos are "normal", which means we would have nothing to transfer and our cycle would be a bust.  I don't want to be a negative nelly but we have experienced so much disappointment in the last 2 1/2 years, that it's hard to imagine this working and actually being pregnant.

I am going to try and keep busy until we get the news on Thursday!!

Egg Retrieval

I am home from the ER...well actually I am at my Aunt's house resting because our house is NOT a relaxing place right now because there are contractors making lots of noise.  The retrieval went as well as could be expected.  The anesthesiologist gave me a double dose of Zofran with my "cocktail" since last time I threw up 7 times after retrieval.  It worked because I haven't had any nausea and I feel much better than last time.  My stomach is tender but manageable.  So I bet you are wondering how many eggs they retrieved.....     

I am thrilled with that number.  They will call me tomorrow with the fertilization report!!!

Trigger tonight!!

My ultrasound yesterday showed good growth of my follies and my E2 was 3166. I did 75 IU's of Gonal-F last night and tonight I will do my HCG trigger.  My retrieval is set for 8:45 am Saturday morning.  I am so happy to have an early time because last ER I had to wait until 2 pm and it sucked since I could eat or drink anything after midnight. 

I will update on Saturday after the retrieval!

IVF # 2 - CD 8 ultrasound

My 1st monitoring appointment went well.  This is what I've got so far....

Right Ovary: 15, 15, 14, 13, 13, 13, 12, several @ 11
Left Ovary: 13, 13, 12, 12, 12, several @ 11
Lining: 8
E2: ?

The RE thought I would end up with around 20 eggs last time from the looks of the ultrasound and I had 38 at retrieval!  This time he is thinking 12-15 eggs and I am secretly hoping for 20.  We are going for quality this time over quantity.

He wants to plump up my eggs the next two nights so I will be on 225 of Gonal F.  I have another ultrasound Wednesday morning to see how things are progressing.   

This is the tentative schedule of events:
Wednesday, Nov. 3rd - Ultrasound, E2 blood work & HCG (trigger)
Friday (or Saturday), Nov. 5th - Egg Retrieval
Wednesday (or Thursday), Nov 10th  - Egg Transfer (5 day)