Devastated

My Dad died unexpectedly this morning....

Both of my parents have died in the last five years.

I am officially an orphan at the ripe old age of 30!!!

I am broken....

Worst Christmas EVER!!

I don't even know where to begin!! I can't really get into the details, but it was not a good Christmas.

• Traditions were broken because of family not getting along (I hate change)
• My dad became physically and mentally ill on Christmas Eve (hopefully short-term)
• We STILL don't have a baby and we are stressed because we had our last IUI on Christmas Eve...no pressure!!!
• Another Christmas has gone by without my mom (she died 5 years ago), I miss her everyday.

Lots of stress and tears this Christmas. I hope next year is better...it has to be right???

Merry Christmas

It was so strange going to the RE office on Christmas eve!! We were the only ones there, it was a little depressing. Oh well I was thankful that I was able to get the IUI today. It went fine, but I couldn't help but thinking this will be the last time we do this. This is our last shot at IUI!! I got a little teary eyed but managed to keep it together. Unfortunately I am not feeling positive at all...I feel like I am just going through the motions. Oh well I just want to try and have a good holiday.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

Unbelievable!!

This is how the ultrasound went down:

As I was signing in:
Secretary - "What kind of mood are we in today"
Me - I just looked at her and nothing came out of my mouth
Secretary - "Did you help your dad decorate his tree?"
Me - "Yeah"
Secretary - "Did you have a smile on your face?"
Me - "No"
Secretary - "I didn't think so"

Again are you kidding me!! DH was there this time to witness the conversation...he couldn't believe it.

I got the ultrasound and saw lots of follies but apparently only ONE that's big enough to ovulate!! I was so pissed because of all of the money and time we have spent on this cycle only to get one good egg (maybe two)!! I was disappointed to say the least. I just feel so defeated and want this all to be over with!!

I was on the verge of tears and knew I couldn't deal with the secretary so I gave DH the money to pay her and walked out the door. It was taking longer than it should have so I knew something was up. When he finally came out of the office he informed me that he put her in her place!!

When she saw DH coming to her to pay without me she said "Where is crabby!" to which he responded "Stop it". He told her to quit saying things like that and that she was being disrespectful. He asked her not to ask me how my mood is or tell me to have a positive attitude anymore. She apologized and put her head down, then she wished us the best of luck. What a bitch!!! Thank god she will not be in the office tomorrow for the IUI.

Ultrasound and disappointment

During the ultrasound the RE said I only have one big egg maybe another one. I was pretty upset because I make one good egg without sticking myself in the belly with $500 worth of drugs!!! I felt like my body was failing me.

He told me to up my Follistim again to 150 for two more nights and then have unprotected sex starting on Wednesday. EXCUSE ME!!! What about the IUI?? I started to freak out inside, then took a breath and expressed my concerns. What is the point of spending all this money and effort on meds and ultrasounds if we aren't going to have the IUI? He said because of the holiday it makes it tricky, but I could come in on Christmas Eve if I that works for me....UM YEAH!!! He was trying to make it convenient for me because he thought I was going to be out of town. When I corrected him, he agreed that the IUI on Thursday would be the best option. So now I have get ANOTHER ultrasound on Wednesday, then the IUI on Thursday.

They also did an estadiol blood test which shows how many follies there are just to make sure. They wanted to see in the high 200's - mine was 450 so that means there are at least two...right?? This made me feel much better but I didn't know the results until 5 hrs later, so I was upset most of the day.

My sister is in town so she came with me. It was nice to have someone with me especially since it didn't go as well as expected!! It sucks that I have to spend so much time going tot the RE while she is here...but I have no other choice, this is my fertilte time.

If you haven't gathered from other posts I am a control freak, I like to have a plan, and I am frugle with our money. These personality traits don't mix well with infertility!!! I hate going to the RE and having the plans change yet once again. The money issue has also been bothering me a lot lately since we might have to do IVF. We have spent the most money this cycle because all of the ultrasounds, blood test, extra meds!! It sucks because I am not working and we pay for everything out of pocket!! We are spending A LOT of money to have a baby and people that tell me not to think or worry about the money need to kiss my ass!! If we had IF insurance I think that would take a big weight off of us, but we don't so I just have to suck it up because this is what I want the most in the whole world.

To top off the appointment the secretary who is usually very nice was...well you decide:

Before the ultrasound

Secretary - What kind of mood are we in today???
Me: I guess we will see after the ultrasound..Ha! Ha!


After the ultrasound ( I was clearly upset)

Secretary - You need to work on having a more positive attitude!
Me - I am working on it
Secretary - You are not doing a very good job!!
Me - I was dumbfounded...not able to say anything
Secretary - We will see you on Wednesday with a smile on your face!!

Are you fucking kidding me. How dare her say that to someone who has been TTC for 19 months and is on her last IUI!! We left the office and I burst into tears!! I called DH and he (who is usually so laid back) wanted to call her and tell her to quit treating me like that. That is sweet but I don't want to get into with her. I just want to get the IUI done without any drama!!

IVF consult

The IVF phone consult went well. The RE was nice and very knowledgeable. He didn't have any of my records in front of him so I had to fill him in on all the tests that DH and I have both had done, and where we are as far as treatments. I told him all my tests have come back "normal", and DH's SA's have come back normal with the exception of his morphology which has been borderline (anything less than 30% is below normal - DH's is 29%). This RE seems to think this could be the reason we are not getting pregnant. He wants to give DH a more detailed SA called the Kreuger strict analysis where the sperm is evaluated under a much higher magnification and has a much stricter criteria than a routine SA. We will set up his SA next week and then go from there depending on the results.

He also explained that we will most likely have to do IVF if this cycle doesn't work because we have exhausted all of our other options. He said there are 3 types of IVF:

1. Micro - Uses low cost meds (like Clomid), they cut corners when it comes to technology, and they don't do as much monitoring. Since they don't use many meds, less eggs are produced therefore having a lower chance of any eggs making it to transfer. $5 K not including medication/ 30-40% success rate.
2. Low Stim - Uses injectables (like Follistim), no cutting technology, not as many meds and monitoring as full blown IVF. Again not as many eggs produced as full blown IVF but more than Micro. $6 K not including medication/ 50% success rate. I was told to expect to pay $2K in medication.
3. Full blown IVF - Lots of expensive medication and monitoring. Produces the most amount of eggs so the success rate is the highest of the three options. $ 8-9K not including medication/ 60% success rate. I was told to expect to pay $4K in medication.

This new RE was not in favor of the Micro IVF, which is kind of annoying. Why do they advertise it if they don't think it is a good option?? He thought the low-stim was a better option for us. I am taking this all with a grain of salt because it was just a phone consultation. I am happy to know our options but I am in still in shock over the cost since we are paying 100% out of pocket.

My ultrasound on friday went good. Things are progressing as they should but it is still too early to tell how many follies I will have when we do the IUI. He upped my Follistim dosage from 75 to 125 IU. I have another ultrasound on Monday.

My RE took DH and I into his office after my ultrasound to talk about IVF. He thoroughly explained the process and the different options. He was not keen on Micro IVF either...I kind of have my heart set on that because it is the cheapest option!! Of course he thinks we should do full blown IVF so we have greater chance. I told him that money is the determining factor at this point as much as that sucks. He already gives us a 50% discount on all services so he is going to check and see what kind of deal he can get us for IVF. If he comes through with a cheaper price we will go with him.

I am coming around to the fact that we might have to do IVF but I am going to put that on the back burner and focus on this cycle!!

100th Post!!!

When I hit 75 posts I stupidly thought that by the time I got to 100 posts I would be announcing my pregnancy. Instead I am now contemplating IVF !! I can't believe I am this far along in my IF journey...I never thought I would be here. I had also hoped that I would be one of those girls that started a blog and got pregnant the next month and never blogged again. That being said....this post is dedicated to all of you!

I somehow stumbled upon the IF blogging world and was a lurker for quite a while. I decided to start blogging because I needed an outlet and I saw how you girls were there for each other through ups and downs. I needed that kind of support from other women in my situation and you guys have welcomed me with open arms.

I love getting comments especially when I am down because your words really lift me up. I never thought anyone would read my blog, I hoped for a few but didn't have any expectations. I can't believe that I have 39 followers and 7400 views since April!! I hope that I have reached at least a few women so that they know they are not alone. This journey has been so heartbreaking but this community of women has been such a blessing.

Thank You!!!

* I will update later on the phone consult with the new RE and my ultrasound....

Scared *updated*

This is how I am feeling right now. When DH and I first started TTC we were naive enough to believe that we would get pregnant right away. The first few months it didn't happen we were upset but didn't think much of it. After 6 months we started to get worried but NEVER thought we would be where we are now!! I was always hesitant to take any medication because I have this weird fear of putting something foreign in my body and not knowing how it's going to effect me, but at that point I was willing to do anything so I begged my OB for Clomid!!

After a few months of no success with Clomid we decided to see an RE. I was so scared to see an infertility specialist, I was still in denial that I needed that much help to get pregnant even though we had been TTC for 1 year. That was a very hard leap for us to take, but we gained a new sense of hope. When the RE suggested IUI at our 2nd visit I was shocked!! I was sobbing in his office because I hadn't prepared myself for his recommendation. I came around to the idea and was convinced that this "drastic" measure would surely give us our baby. After 3 unsuccessful IUI's I pushed for injectables!! I didn't care what the medication did to me as long as I got a baby out of the deal. I again had a renewed sence of hope that this HAD to work.

That brings us to present day with 2 injectable cycles down and no success. Our RE usually does 3 injectable IUI's before suggesting IVF. We are currently on our last shot before IVF!! I NEVER thought we would be at this point. I can't believe IVF is the next step for us and that we are actually looking into it. I never gave IVF a second thought because it is so invasive and hard on your body...not to mention how EXPENSIVE it is.

It's amazing how different I feel now about medication as it relates to infertility compared to when we first started TTC. I am at my wits end..I will do anything!! I don't care how many medications I have to take to do an IVF cycle or how hard it is on my body, I just want a baby! Since we have NO infertility coverage, money is the only thing holding us back from doing IVF. I can't imagine spending (gambling) 12-15K on something that might not even work. We are blessed enough to have the money to do one cycle of IVF without having to go into debt, BUT it is still A LOT of money to spend with no guarantee.

I have a phone consultation with a new RE on December 30th. I am looking forward to talking to him because his office has many IVF options including Micro IVF which is only about 5-7K because it is low stim. I need to feel like there is still hope because I am feeling like we are running out of options!!

I am a planner which is why I am researching our options even though are currently doing an injectable cycle. I hope we don't have to do IVF, but I have to be realistic. We have been TTC for 19 months...why would this month work?? That is the infertile talking in me. I am still going to be positive about this cycle, but it is hard after being let down month after month.

I am scared!!!!

**Update**

Two posts in one day is unheard of from me, but I had to share this info. You know how I have a phone consult with another RE on December 30th, well his office just called to tell me that he has an opening tomorrow!! So I will get to talk "options" with this new RE tomorrow at 4pm.

I am excited not only because my appointment will give me much needed information but because I get to talk to this RE before my ultrasound with my current RE on Friday. Let me explain why....

I called my current RE's office on Monday to get my records faxed to the new RE so he would have all my medical information before our consult. I told the secretary why I wanted the records and she put me on hold. Thirty seconds later my RE got on the phone!! I was shocked because I have never talked to him on the phone before. He got very defensive andtold me I was getting ahead of myself and I need to know the options. I told him that's why I am looking elsewhere because I DO have options!! He wants to have a sit down with DH and I on Friday when I come in for my ultrasound. After he got off his soapbox he hung up the phone instead of giving me back to his secretary so I can get my records transferred. They can't withhold my records because they don't want me to leave. I will get my records on Friday!!

I can't wait till 4pm tomorrow. I will let you know how it goes....

Plan

This is the plan for this cycle:

• Follistim 75 IU's CD 3-6
• Ultrasound this Friday - at which point they will probably up my Follistim dose for a few more days
• Ultrasound Monday (12/21) - HCG trigger that night
• IUI on Wednesday (12/23)

This is a tentative plan because as we all know things can change depending on how my body reacts to the Follistim.

I have a lot more on my mind about this cycle but it will have to wait till later....

Nope...

I am not pregnant, AF showed yesterday. As DH and I were eating dinner on Friday night talking about out future children I felt “the” cramps. I was so pissed because I knew AF was on her way, but I just brushed it off.

Saturday morning I decided to take a $ store test hoping that “the” cramps were just a fluke. The test came back stark white…NEGATIVE!! I tried to hide all of this from DH because I didn’t want to upset him until AF actually arrived, but apparently he could see it written all over my face. I fessed up that the test was negative and I broke down. We laid in bed and he held me while I cried. We had a “why us” moment and talked about our next step.

I sulked for 30 minutes and then we watched a Christmas movie together. DH expected the negative test to ruin our vacation, but we decided not to let it. We got out of bed after the movie and continued to have a good time in Kansas City.

Crown center

Country Club Plaza all lit up!!

DH told me how proud of me he is that I have been dealing with infertility surprisingly well considering it has been going on for 20 months!! He praised me for my resilience month after month, and I praised him for being my rock. We realized that 75% of the time we have been married has been spent dealing with infertility (20/27 months)!!! That is a heavy weight for a new marriage, but I am proud to say that we have a great marriage. I hate that we have to go through this but we are stronger because of it.

I am sad that I didn't get the outcome I had hoped for, but I am moving on and will be calling my RE in the morning to find out the next step...

Kansas City

DH and I are going to Kansas City, Mo tomorrow for a romantic weekend. This is where we fell in love 7 years ago!! We had only been dating for 3 months and decided to take this trip (5 hours from St. Louis) during the Christmas season. This city really goes all out for Christmas. It has an area called Country Club Plaza that is a row of stores, restaurants, and hotels and they are all lit up with Christmas lights.

We are very excited to go back to the place we fell in love, and how great would it be if we found out we were pregnant in this city that holds a such a special place in our heart!!!!

8 dpiui

I haven't talked about TTC since the IUI on November 30th. I am 8 dpiui and doing good. Usually the 2WW drags on to the point of torcher, but this time it's flying by!! I have been doing a lot of shopping, wrapping, and coordinating for the family we adopted this year. We had so many of our family members donate gifts and money that I decided to adopt another family!! It has been so fun and rewarding not to mention keeping me busy. I had a "wrapping party" last night and will post pictures of all the things we got these two families when I have more time.

Back to the TTC....I don't have many symptoms except for stuffy nose (which could be the weather), and **TMI alert** I am having bathroom issues, as in I am not "going" as regularly as normal. Wow, it will suck if I can't blame that one on pregnancy since I just told all of you about my bowel movements or lack there of...LOL!!!

Moving on...I have been taking the progesterone nightly and have had no side effects. My head is in a good place. This is the best I have felt in months. I realized I was fighting my body and my mind and that is a bad place to be. I am done fighting myself, its not healthy. I am trying to let go which we all know is VERY hard, but it seems to be working for me right now.

Let's hope this week flies by as quick as last week did...

Early Christmas present

NO......I am not pregnant (it's still too early to tell), DH bought me a piano!!!

When DH and I were in Austin visiting my sister a few weeks ago, we sat at the piano for hours and sang. She played the piano and/or guitar and we sang together. DH saw the light in my eyes while my sister and I "rocked out" and knew I would love to learn to play the piano. He called my sister and they found a great deal on craigslist and had a piano delivered today!! I think it will be very therapeutic for me and take up time, which I have A LOT of since I quit my job.

My dad and sister are both very musically inclined, but I never learned how to play the piano and always wished I had. Music was such a big part of my childhood. I have such wonderful memories of our family singing and playing instruments. Now when we get together we always end up singing and dancing!!

DH helping guide the delivery guy all the way to the front door (through our front yard)!

Polishing my new piano

All cleaned up!!

I am SOOO excited!! DH and I don't even know how to play the piano, but have always wanted to learn. I have played an instrument before and can read music, but DH is going in blind...LOL!!! I am proud of us for learning something new at 30 something....

My sister is coming to stay with me over Christmas and I can't wait to jam with her on my new piano! DH pick a great gift....if I do say so myself!!

The only gift better than this would be to get a BFP next weekend!!

Happy Holidays!

Yesterday DH and I had a wonderful day. We went to lunch and then to see a movie. I love doing that in the middle of the week when everyone else is at work. We came home to the house smelling great from our dinner in the crockpot. We turned on the Christmas lights, and played a game by the fire while we watched the Rockefeller Center tree lighting. We reminisced about how we were there last year!!

In front of the Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree

I am passing the time during my TWW decorating our house for Christmas. I love this time of year...the music, lights, decorations, & parties!!

I hope you are enjoying the holidays too!!