Hangin' in there

Since the seasons are changing so is this blog....like the new face lift??

I am feeling better than I was last post. I am having good days and bad. I haven't cried since Friday..I don't think I have any tears left right now. That sounds dramatic, but Friday was a really hard day for me. Saturday was a good day, but Sunday was difficult.

We had to go to a baptism for a friend's daughter. This friend accidentally got pregnant and wasn't too thrilled about it, but has since become very smitten with her daughter. Anyway I am getting off course....It was hard to see her holding her baby so proudly because I wanted to be up there holding my child. Then at the party after church I over heard a women talking about being pregnant with her miracle baby. This of course peaked my interest, until I found out she got pregnant with an IUD in (which PREVENTS pregnancy). This woman already has three healthy children...WTF!!!!!

Yesterday was another good day, but then you guessed it today sucked. DH called me from work to tell me one of his friends just announced their pregnancy. DH was upset and I felt so bad for him. That's 2 pregnancy announcements in 4 days...AHHHHHH!! This guy who's wife is pregnant was always the single guy who we never thought would get married and have kids. Well he found "the one" and they got married in April, and now they are 8 weeks pregnant. I am happy for them but it just sucks to have one more couple get there dream while we stand by and watch.

I know I sound negative, but I really am on an upswing. This is just one of those dark spots in the IF journey. I am in the 2WW and trying to keep myself busy.

Thank you SO much for all of your sweet and supportive comments. It is so nice to have a great group of women with me during this journey.

*UPDATED* Hopelessness

It's cloudy and dreary outside, and also inside my head. I am not feeling hopeful at all!! Everything went well with the IUI. This is actually our best chance yet since I have two eggs, but I can't even pretend to act hopeful. I told the RE this better be the last time I see him under these circumstances, can you believe I threatened my Dr...LOL!!

If I believed in "signs" I would think I was going to get pregnant this time b/c everything has gone well and while we were in the elevator after the IUI a man got on with 9 month old twins. Unfortunately after 4 IUI's and 17 cycles I don't believe in "signs" anymore.

I haven't felt this down in a long time. It's not only TTC but my hours at work are being cut because of the economy. Normally I would just go get another job, but I am hoping to be pregnant ASAP and then plan on being a stay at home mom. It would be very difficult to ask someone to hire me for maybe only 7-8 months. I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. If we would have gotten pregnant the first few months of trying I wouldn't even have to worry about this because I would have a baby at home already.

I feel so lost in my life right now. I am defeated, but will continue to move forward towards my goal of having a baby because I have no other choice!!

*UPDATE*
I just got a phone call from a friend announcing her pregnancy!! She is already 11 weeks and has been dreading calling me. How ironic that she decided to call me TODAY!! I hate that I am that girl that people have to tip toe around because they don't know how I am going to react to the news. What a crappy day!!!

IUI # 4 tomorrow

I had an ultrasound yesterday that showed two follicles 18mm & 21mm, which will get bigger by the time we have the IUI. The RE and nurse were very pleased with how I responded to Follistim. My lining is great and he said everything looks "perfect". I had the HCG trigger shot yesterday at 4pm and the IUI is scheduled for 8:00am tomorrow. No more shots (this cycle)!!!!


We got our picture taken by our tree and then went to dinner at The Melting Pot for our anniversary on tuesday night. We had never eaten there before, it was very fun and they have great food.

2nd anniversary in front of our tree.



Dinner




Chocolate fondue for dessert!!

Happy Anniversary!

Today is our wedding anniversary.
We have been married two years, but have been together 7 years.

Our wedding day was amazing. We got married in our favorite park under the trees at sunset. The weather was amazing and there was a full moon that night.... It was perfect day!!

I feel so lucky to have married my best friend. He is the best husband...our friends and family always tell me they wish their husbands would learn from my DH. I am so proud of the person he is and the couple we have become.

Ceremony at sunset under the trees

Yay...we are married!!!

"Never above you, Never below you, Always beside you"

Full moon shining over the reception

We exchanged vows in front of a newly planted tree in the park. We decided that we would go back to the park and take a picture in front of this tree every year on our anniversary. We deemed this "our" tree. We thought it would be fun to see how DH and I and our tree have aged over the years.

"Our" tree is behind me in this picture

Last year was our 1st anniversary and DH wanted to plan something special for me. I told him to make sure his plans included getting our picture taken in front of our tree. As soon as I got home from work I changed into comfy clothes and then he rushed me out the door. I wanted to take a shower and get dressed up, but he wasn't having it. He told me we were going to the park to take the picture then off to his surprise.

We got to the park and I saw a picnic set up under our tree with the man who catered our wedding waiting to serve us dinner!! DH had the caterer bring food that was served at our wedding since I didn't have time to eat that night. I started crying when I saw what he had done. It was so thoughtful!! We had dinner on a blanket under our tree at sunset...the exact same time we exchanged vows at our wedding. He also brought a CD player so we could dance to our 1st dance song from the wedding. He is such a romantic!! That was the best and most meaningful anniversary surprise.

Picnic by our tree

The man who catered our picnic

Does the tree look bigger??

Tonight will be low key, we will be taking our picture by the tree and going to dinner.

Thanks for listening to me brag on my DH!!

So far so good

The ultrasound went well. I have 2 big follicles and many other small ones. They think that I might have three eggs release by the time I ovulate but 2 for sure. This is good news and gives me better odds than I have ever had before. The Follistim is doing it's job and the RE is very happy with the results. He says they like to see 2-3 eggs.... anymore than that they cancel the cycle, so I am right on track. I am going to get to 2 more Follistim shots (today & tomorrow) and they are upping the dose to 125IU. He did see the cyst that he has been keeping an eye on since last cycle and he isn't concerned, so neither am I.

Overall I am excited to have more than one egg therefore increasing my chances of getting pregnant. I will have another ultrasound on Wednesday, and possibly the IUI on friday.

5 injections down...

I just finished my 5th and last Follistim shot, for now anyway. I have an ultrasound at 8:30am tomorrow and that will determine if I need to do anymore shots. The shots didn't hurt and I had NO side effects. I hope this medicine produced more than one follicle!!

I am hoping for good news tomorrow, I will update when I get back from the RE.

1st injection done

Follistim pen and HCG trigger shot



DH giving me the shot!!

(Ignore the belly fat)

1st Follistim shot down, 4 more to go until my ultrasound on Monday. Follistim is so easy to use. I could do it by myself but as you can see I let DH shoot me up....I have a bit of a weak stomach when it comes to needles. It didn't hurt at all, I barely felt the needle go in. I think the HCG trigger shot hurts more because you have to go into muscle. I am excited about the possibilities that Follistim could give us. We will see if it is doing what its supposed to on Monday!!

We are doing injectables!!!

My favorite nurse at the RE's office called me this morning a 1/2 hour after I made my appointment for Wednesday to meet with the doctor. She was returning the call I had left on the nurses line, she didn't know that I had already talked to the receptionist. She told me she would talk to the Dr. again to see if he really needed to talk to us in person (cost $200) or if she could answer all of our questions over the phone for free. I was hoping he would go for that option.

She called me back and said the Dr. gave her the protocol and that we didn't have to meet with him as long as we felt comfortable with the nurse practitioner explaining everything. I was thrilled that he made a decision on our protocol and let us save time and money by having the nurse call me.

So here is the plan:
Follistim (75 IU) for five days starting Wednesday - CD 4
Ultrasound - Monday September 21
Ultrasound - TBA
HCG trigger - TBA
IUI - TBA

Since we are paying for everything out of pocket I was concerned about the cost of the injectables. They already give us a 50% discount on all services, which saves us money. The last three Clomid-IUI cycles have cost us $420 each w/the discount. The Follistim is $250 per cartridge and we need two cartridges so it would cost $500 for injectables this cycle. That wasn't as bad as I was expecting, but it still sucks. Then she told me about a patient assistance program that works with their office to help uninsured patients pay for medication. We have health insurance but it doesn't cover ANY infertility treatments, so we qualify. The office only chooses one patient per month to give this coupon to, and she chose ME!!! The coupon is for one free catridge of Follistim...which saves us $250!! I felt guilty at first because we can afford these injections, but the nurse told me that this is free and this is designed for people just like us (people who have to pay out of pocket for infertility treatments). So needless to say I am SO excited that things are working out in our favor this cycle....so far.

I never thought I would be one of those women who would take drugs to get pregnant. I was (maybe still am) afraid of putting drugs into my body without knowing the long term side effects. This idea is very foreign to me, but I am dealing with it. I will do just about anything to have a baby including giving up my prior hesitations.

I am done with my sulking now that I have a plan. I am actually excited about this new path in our journey. I have a renewed hope!!

CD 1 - Cycle 17!!!!

Well I guess all that rest and relaxation didn't do shit!! I started getting cramps yesterday, so at least I knew it was coming. I am aggravated and mad. I haven't cried I am just pissed.
DH said "We are good people, why is this happening to us??"...that broke my heart. The RE mentioned that our next step would probably be IUI w/ injectables. He wants to sit down and talk to DH and I about our options in-person before we go on with any further treatment. Once we have a plan I will feel a little better, until then I am going to SULK!!!

*UPDATE*
I just talked to the RE's office. The Dr. doesn't want the nurses to start me on injectables until he has a sit down conversation with us so we have to wait until Wednesday morning. I am kind of annoyed about that. I understand he has other patients, but I hate waiting. Wednesday will be CD 4....is that too late to start injectables for this cycle. They are saying no, but I want to hear from my girls!! What CD did you start your injectables?

I have a lot of questions on my mind that I will be asking the RE.
Is there anything you think I should ask?

14 dpiui

I swore I wouldn't test, but I couldn't help it. I decided to just use a dollar store test that way I wouldn't feel guilty for wasting money on the good tests. The result is.....






BFN!!!!

I am convinced that I am not pregnant even though I have a few phantom symptoms..

Sore boobs - The only time I had this happen was after ovulation when I was on clomid, but they stopped hurting 2 days before AF showed. This time they started hurting 2 days before she is expected to arrive.

Bathroom issues - This has happened one other time so I know that it is not a pregnancy sign for me. I also think it has something to do with what I ate and drank in Mexico.

I wanted to write those down so I can look back later on and understand that they are in fact "phantom" symptoms.

So I am a little discouraged but am not going to let myself get upset until I see AF. I will keep you updated...she should be here by sunday or monday.

Have a good weekend.

Cozumel recap

I'm back from Cozumel!! Thank you for the birthday wishes, we had internet access so I got read all of the comments on my actual birthday. I haven't had to time to catch up on all of your blogs yet, but I will this week.

We had an amazing time, It was so relaxing!! It was the most relaxed I have been since we started TTC 16 months ago. As soon as we got there we were checking in and an employee brought us tropical drinks and welcomed us to the resort. I was overwhelmed with emotion and started happy crying. DH said "I guess you really needed this vacation". I was so excited to be on the beach and actually be able to relax. I have been so emotional since we started TTC, I'm sure you guys can relate to that.
I took 300 pictures while we were there, but I will spare you and only share some of them.

Cozumel is beautiful, the water is so many different shades of blue.

This is where we spent most of our time, reading books and relaxing.

Snuggling in the hammock on the beach

Opening my birthday gifts on the balcony

DH rented a Jeep (my favorite car) for my birthday and we explored the island. We found out that there are Mayan Ruins called San Gervasio on the island. Get this....those ruins long ago were the sanctuary of the fertility goddess Ixchel. Cozumel was known as an island of love and FERTILITY and Maya women made the pilgrimage to Cozumel before their weddings. This was a sacred place. Pilgrimages from all over the Mesoamerica came to honor Ixchel, the goddess of fertility & childbirth. Can you believe that!! We had no idea until we got to Cozumel and started planning our trip around the island. So of course we had to go and touch the ruins and let the fertility rub off on us!! What a great thing to do on my 30th birthday.

In front of the ruins

Taking in all the fertility vibes!!

Lunch at Coconuts--most amazing view we saw all week!!

Beach on the other side of the island

I loved driving that Jeep

Shopping in downtown Cozumel

Birthday dinner at Hard Rock Cafe.

I was so excited to eat normal American food!!

Baby alligator beneath my feet!!

This is where we ate two meals a day....right on the beach!!

On friday we did the other part of my birthday surprise. We went on a snorkel beach party sunset cruise on a catamaran. It was amazing!! We went to two of the best reefs in the world. We saw a string ray, eel, barracuda, flying fish, turtles, and many other colorful fish.

Catamaran

The fish swimming right in front of me!

Snorkeling

Sting ray

After snorkeling we went to a private beach where they fed us lunch and had trampolines, slides and other fun things to do.

Kissing under the sunset.

In TTC news I am 10 dpiui. I have no symptoms and will not test until I am late, which is this sunday. I hope this relaxing trip to Cozumel was just what we needed to get pregnant.

Happy Birthday to me!!

Today I am 30!!!

I am not really freaked out by that number...well maybe a little. The only reason I care is b/c I am still not pregnant after 15 months. I always wanted to have baby by the time I was 30. I guess I could still have a baby at the age of 30 if I get pregnant soon. I realize that my "plan" is not working out the way I had hoped so I am letting it go. It creates to much anxiety...like I am trying to meet a deadline. So as I turn 30 I am leaving behind all the TTC "plans" I had previously made and understand that I WILL be a mother someday.

** I wrote this post before I left for our trip so it would automatically post on my birthday since I am sipping drinks on the beach in Cozumel.**