That is the word of the day...actually "waste" is the word of the last 2 1/2 YEARS!!!
I'm sure you can see where this is going......Beta # 1...NEGATIVE!
It is very rare for it to go up, so here we are once again with nothing!
It feels like the last 2 1/2 years have been such a waste!
WASTE of time
WASTE of money...lots of money
WASTE of physical pain
and mostly a WASTE of emotional pain
DH actually called the office to get the beta result yesterday because I couldn't bear hearing the pity in there voice. As he was talking to the nurse he gave me the thumbs down and I immediately started to cry. I felt like it was going to be negative because we have never gotten a positive in 2 1/2 years and it seems impossible at this point, but its never easy to hear. All I could say after he got off the phone was:
What a waste....This is not fair...I am tired of doing this...I am just so fucking pissed!!
I think at this point I am more angry than sad...but I 'm sure that will change.
I went into this weird accelerated grieving process after I heard the news.
I cried (5 minutes)
DH & I talked about what to do next (5 minutes)
We made a WTF appointment with the RE (1 minute)
I found out the 2011 cycle dates and signed up for an FET in January (2 minutes)
So within 15 minutes we were all set with our next plan of action. I know it seems strange, but I am a planner and this is what helps me move on. Let me explain our thought process.
We found out last week that they froze 2 "normal" grade 2 blasts. We were thrilled with that news, and even more thrilled now that we actually need them. They are our insurance policy!! So we have 4 frozen blasts....2 "normal" blasts from this cycle and 2 unknown blasts (they weren't tested) from my 1st cycle. Part of me is ready to give up on this, but we have spend so much money that I don't want to waste 4 embryos. I would also have a hard time walking away right now without playing the "what if" game. So our tentative plan is to thaw all 4 embryos and do a FET in January with the ones that successfully thaw.
If that doesn't work then we have decided to stop treatment and start the adoption process. Ultimately we just want to be parents!!
Emotionally we are doing better than we have in the past, but sadly I think we are just getting used to all the disappointment. It also helps to think that in a few months I will either be pregnant or starting the adoption process. We will finally be getting somewhere in our quest to be a family!!
I just wish it wasn't this HARD!!
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Waste
Posted by Jessica at 6:43 AM
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25 comments:
I am so sorry! Have you been to a chiropractor by any chance? The reason I ask is I went this week for the first time ever b/c I had a free consult from a health fair held at my office. Turns out I have nervous system issues, so even though I'm going through IF treatments, they basically will never work b/c my body is not sending the right signals. I have cancelled this month's procedure and will start going to a chiropractor/nutrtionist to get my body in order to "accept" and "keep" a pregnancy should the time come. It's really frustrating to think I've wasted all this money so far (nothing close to what you've spent) and I didn't even really have a shot. It might be interesting for you to go get a consult at least if you've never been. But back to the test results, I'm so glad you have another shot with a FET soon! You WILL be a mom!
Jessica, I am so sorry. IF sucks big time. You will be a Mom! I believe that with all my heart. I am excited for your FET cycle coming up. Keep your chin up.
I am so sad for you. Sorry for the BFN..it really sucks. Glad that you have a plan for January. Having four frozen is a good thing.
I'm so sorry this one didn't work! I'll keep my fingers crossed for your January FET!!!!
*Also, the word verification for this comment was "FRACK". My thoughts exactly!
Ugh, I'm so sorry (HUG)
Damn it Jess, I'm seriously SO sorry. This totally sucks.
But I have to say, I am super impressed by your resolve to get back on the horse in January - and man I hope that is all you'll ever need,
Hugs, friend.
I'm so sorry. That sucks. I'm thinking about you and I too admire your resolve to go again in January. I know you are in my area - have you ever seen Judy Stipe at Dr. Muckerman's office? She works with Dr. A and provided me with tons of information that I did not get from him after my cycles failed. You can email me about it if you want - twodogmama@gmail.com (((Hugs)))
oh no no no no! it can't be! this was supposed to work! it was supposed to be the ONE! i think i'm as devastated as you are. :(
i'm so glad you have 2 normal embryos on ice and that you have a plan in place. i'm exactly like you - i need my next plan in place ASAP.
huge hugs, jessica! i'm so sorry.
Oh sweetie, I am sooooo sorry. I was so hoping this was going to be it. I'm so glad to hear the you and your DH have not given up hope yet on your last four em baby's. I may have already told you this story but I have a friend who went through 10 years of TTC, multiple IUI's and three IVF's. It was on her third IVF with her last two eggs that she became pregnant with what is now her adorable little 8 month old little girl. It can happen, even thought right now the world feels like it is caving in on you and that you are being punished for something that you have no idea what you did and that you are good people. Why is this happening to you and not to the crack head teenagers who are popping out baby's like their candy. I can't take all the hurt and suck and pain away but I hope that you can keep your spirits high and know that there are a lot of people out here pulling for you. Sending lots of baby dust
UGGHH. I am so disappointed to hear this news, it just SUCKS. It's so unfair. You had some beautiful embryos too. Blah.
I am glad to hear you are planning the next steps, it would help me too.
Hun I am so sorry. I am so angry and sad for you. I will never, ever understand why things like this happen to people like you and your husband. I've been praying for you for so long, and I will continue to do so. I'm glad that you already made a plan so you can focus on that. ((HUGS))
i'm so very sorry. this SUCKS. plain and simple. i hear ya on having a "plan." i've always been the same way! praying for you!
I'm so sorry :( *Hugs*
I am so glad that you already have the next step in your plan! But please take the time to be pissed and sad. You have every right to be. You are always so strong and I so admire that about you.
Oh..and I nailed down the doll...we are on our way :O)
I am so sorry Jessica. I'm really really sorry. I can understand your planning and making things feel better that way. That's how I was. When things with our first IVF failed I was in a new Dr.'s office a week later. It helps us move on and look forward to something. Be very happy you have beautiful blasts on stand by too, we had nothing after two ivfs to freeze. You are very lucky and will make great parents...actually FABULOUS parents. Hold your head high, I know it's hard at times but you have a lot to be proud of.
nooooo!! I'm so sorry! I'm just like you - after every BFN, nothing helped except making a new plan of action. I'm so glad you still have your 4 frosties! And I'm so mad FOR you! :(
I wish I had something more to offer than simply saying I'm sorry. It's just not fair.
Wow, Im so sorry! :( It totally does feel like we get used to disappoint and its such a crappy feeling. Im afraid that if we experience any more failed cycles, Im not going to react at all. And thats scary ..to think theres no more tears left to cry! But I give you credit for moving forward and making plans! I know that helps so much. :) Hugs...
Are you kidding me? WTF??? My heart sank when I read your post.
Have you done the implantation tests - I am sure you have, just wanted to toss that out there. This is just too painful.
I admire your resilience. I know you will bounce back from this as I know this will be a process... damn IF!!!
Ugh... this just plain ol' sucks butt!
((hugs)) I'm so sorry
Hi Jessica
I have continued to follow your story and I am so sorry about your news. I am excited that you have a plan and I just wanted to let you know that we started the adoption process (after our 2 failed IVFs) and would talk to you anytime (if you need to) about good. Good luck.
Jessica
*Hugs* I am SO sorry!
Jessica I'm so sorry!!!! I'm so glad your taking the next step of action. I will continue to pray that it will be soon!!
Sorry to hear your news. I hope the upcoming FET is it:)
i have tears in my eyes for you..I KNOW EXACTLY how you feel and it just stinks!! This is the hardest thing, i have ever went through..and i know how it hurts! Hang in there!
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