Closing this chapter

Last Monday we found out that our LAST try at having a biological child didn't work.  We are dealing with this a little differently than we have in the past.  Usually I cry for a minute and get pissed then move onto the next plan.  Well this time there is no next plan.  We need to grieve that our dream of  having biological children may never happen.  Personally I don't think anyone should ever have to give up on their dreams especially this one, but its the only way we can open our hearts to other options.
 
In the past when I have gotten sad about out TTC struggles I always tell myself things could be worse so suck it up and move on.  This has stopped me from truly grieving which is not good.  Our new strategy, while necessary, has been hell to go through.

 
Monday - Shocked
I had asked that the clinic e-mail me the beta results because I wanted to read it with DH when he got home from work.  I scanned the e-mail and saw the word "negative".  I couldn't read any further.  I just sat back on the couch in shock.  DH & I were numb.  Neither of us even shed a tear.  I didn't cry till later that night and it was just a few tears.
   
Tuesday - Devastated
I woke up with the feeling that my heart was in a vice.  I couldn't believe the news we had received on Monday.  I started writing and let myself "feel" the pain.  I sobbed and cried for a few hours.  DH offered to come home from work, but I needed to get this out.....alone.

Wednesday - Angry
That morning AF showed.  What a bitch!!  I am so fucking tired of all this shit happening at once.  So not only am I devastated about the fact that we may never have a biological child....I have cramps and AF to remind me.
We got the 2nd beta results that afternoon...no big surprise it was negative.  We decided to paint my office that was originally supposed to be the nursery.  Since it felt like we might never need a nursery we put this unused space for the last three years to use.  Looking back that might not have been the best idea.  It just pissed me off that we were in this situation and then I got sad.  I tripped over a door stop while we were painting and fell....this sent me over the edge. 
I ran to my bedroom laid on the floor and gave into my emotions.  I cried so hard that at one point it didn't feel like I could breathe.  For the first 10 minutes DH didn't know what to do...he rubbed my back and got me some water, but I was inconsolable.  Finally he just laid down on the floor right next to me.  It seems like such a small gesture but I was so touched. We held each other and talked about how unfair this is.  I love that guy!
    
Thursday - Disgusted
I was doing pretty well until I got voice mail from my Aunt telling me that my 19 year old cousin is PREGNANT!!!  I couldn't believe that I was hearing this now....what a horrible fucking week!  I called my aunt back to get the specifics because it crossed my mind for 2 seconds that maybe we could adopt this baby.  Well.....apparently she did this on purpose (must be nice to plan when you have a child) because she thinks that it will make her crack head boyfriend who just got out of prison stay with her.  They have no car, no money, she works but only makes $8 an hour and he has no job because he just got out of prison, no insurance, and they have no where to live.  I am so disgusted!  It's not fair!

I called DH to tell him. Thirty minutes later he came to my work and brought freshly baked cookies (my weakness) with a card telling me how amazing I am.  I am in awe and sooooooo lucky to have him.   

The rest of the weekend had its bad moments, but overall I did better than the previous days.  I cried hard at least once a day.  It has been exhausting but I know its good for me in the long run. 
I have found myself wishing life would quickly pass by till the next cycle, the next result for the past 3 YEARS! I can't believe that much time has gone by and we are no closer than we were before. We still don't have answers and we have thrown away so much money on hope. I am angry and sad.

There has been a constant ache in my heart for 3 years. During a cycle, the hopefulness dulls that ache, but every time we get a negative result if feels much stronger. Now it feels like I have a gaping hole in my heart. Its just amazing to me that my heart has been aching for so long. I'm not sure I will recognize that happy fulfilled feeling once we have a child!

I am angry with my body. I told DH that I want to get a hysterectomy. That may be a bit dramatic, but what is the point of going through all of the bullshit EVERY single month is my body is not going to return the favor. I know a miracle could happen but I am not counting on it.   Sadly, I am closing this chapter in my life........