As you know DH and I have been struggling with infertility for 15 months. In that time we have been very private about our journey (except with my blogging buddies). We have told a few friends and only 2 or 3 family members. We are both close with our families so it feels weird to keep this from them.
Society has made us feel like infertility is something to be ashamed of. We are taught our entire life to prevent pregnancy until you are married...it is openly discussed in society. Infertility on the other hand is hush-hush. I wish that I could help bring awareness to this devastating journey. I think it would be very therapeutic to talk to women IRL in a group setting and share our struggles. Celine Dion is recently pregnant via IVF and she isn't shy about it. I applaud her for being honest and letting the world know that not everyone gets pregnant when they want to.
So having said that, I feel like a hypocrite not sharing my struggle with my family/friends. I want to be an example, and show that infertility is nothing to be ashamed of. I have mentioned to DH that I want to tell people and he is against it..."It's our business". That discussion was 6 months ago, so I am going to bring it up again and see if he is ready.
The main reason we haven't told them is we want them to be surprised when we do finally get pregnant. I keep holding off telling them b/c every month I think we could get pregnant this time. We also don't want them to act or treat us differently b/c of what we are going through.
How did your family/friends react when you told them? Did it make you feel better to get it off your chest?
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Ashamed??
Posted by Jessica at 7:53 AM
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15 comments:
I'm an open book with friends and family and sometimes when it comes up with people I just meet. I wouldn't do it any other way. Once you do start talking about it you see and meet so many people around you that are going through the same thing. It's crazy. You realize you are not alone. You can also share all the info you've learned with other people and help them. More people will be out there praying for you too!
Girl I totally understand. Although I will say that when we mentioned to our family that we were having some trouble conceiving, not everyone was exactly supportive and I felt really sad about that. I was shocked because they have stood by me with everything but this seemed to be a different story. So just really think it through before you say something. But if your family is supportive of you guys go for it! I so wish my family was more understanding and less judgemental. Best of luck to you girl! :)
I was surprised the amount of support I got when I told my family & friends that we were having a hard time getting pregnant and what we were doing about it. So many people were willing to root us on, it was remarkable.
However, I am now labeled as "She'll do anything to have a baby" by my MIL. At times I wish she knew nothing and regret telling her. So I advice maybe you tell only the people who are close to you.
I wish you & DH much luck!
I totally agree, infertility is nothing to be ashamed of. Basically everyone (close friends and family) now know we struggled with infertility because as soon as we told them I was pregnant, I also explained that it took a very long time. It's hard to say how they reacted because they heard I was pregnant first, which is different than just coming right out and saying that I'm infertile. Best of luck with your decision on telling or not. You're in my thoughts and prayers!
My family and friends were very supportive when we told them. The hard part, however, is that unless someone has been through IF, they dont fully get it. They will try to offer suggestions on getting pregnant or tell you those dreaded word (RELAX and it will happen) So thats one thing to consider when sharing news is that people then feel like its ok to solicit their opinion.
The plus side is that once you share you story, you can become a support for others who have struggled. I have a few people IRL that I now support and help as they continue their IF struggle and I dont think they would have shared their stories with me if I wouldnt have shared mine.
Always thinking of you!
i definitely felt a lot better after i told... my family knew the whole time (which i couldn't have made it as far as i did w/o my mom...) but my close friends didn't know. once i told them it was so much better. it made some of them a lot more sensitive and compassionate about my situation... not everyone was... i mean, there are a couple of people who have gotten pg since i told them and really weren't gracious in the way they told me at all... but i know i have the support of my true friends
I totally understand what you're going through. At first I felt like I wanted to tell everyone about my loss and our struggles because I felt like it needed to be discussed. Then I did start to feel a little exposed and somewhat ashamed. My family just couldn't understand and my husband's never even acknowledged it. It was hurtful for me and I wished I never even shared with them. But honestly sharing with my family gave me an outlet and some support to get throught this. Believe me they were still excited to hear pregnancy news. You just can't expect ANYONE to relate who hasn't been there so prepare yourself for that. Most people don't know what to say so they say nothing. I even lost close friends over it. I wish you the best of luck. Do find the support you need. ((HUGS))
oh, and another thought... sometimes i think they're even more excited to hear the pg news after they know you've had such a hard time... otherwise, they say things like, "i was wondering what y'all were waiting for" and crap like that... ya know? i think when they know how bad and how long you've wanted this pregnancy and been waiting for it, they are that much more excited
I just came across your blog - and I have to say I felt the exact same way! My husband and I are both very private people, so when we decided to tell people it wasn't an easy thing for us to do. Afterwards, we have recieved soo much support! and I feel a lot better having it off my chest! Good luck!
We haven't told many friends maybe 4 or 5 and our family doesn't know at all (well, my mom and sister know we've been to an RE). It is nice to have a few people to confide in or vent to, but the unsolicited advice scares me.
I don't think we need to be ashamed, but I also feel like we need this time to figure out what WE want to do - without outside opinions.
Depending on the outcome, we will tell more people about our IF. The amount of information we disclose will depend on the person and the path we've chosen.
Hang in there! I hope you can find the IRL support you need! (HUGS)
Personally, I'm an open book and everyone knows I'm infertile. I don't hide it and I'm not ashamed of my body because it isn't something I did, God made me infertile. Some of my friends are great and encourage me and others give me assvice that irritate me...I take the good with the bad! Also, when you share your story with others, you will be surprised how many other woman are also struggling but keeping quiet.
babyparamore.blogspot.com
As you know this is something I have struggled a lot with. I have told my two best friends, but not my other close friends. DH isn't really comfortable with people knowing, so I am trying to respent that. I was asked a number of times over the wedding weekend, and i really found it was just easier to brush it off then get into the whole infertility thing with everyone. I will say, for those people who I have told its nice to have someone to talk about it with.
We've never been shy about it, but I have to say that we have very supportive family and friends. We had to tell our bosses because of missed work, and of course, it got around. I've found it much easier just to be up front about it! The support is nice during the difficult and disappointing times, as is the encouragement.
I've been so surprised at how many other people are also going through IF. And those who haven't experienced it first hand are often curious. Of course, you get the "just relax"es and that sort of thing, but people mean well.
If your family and friends aren't supportive, though, it might be more comfortable to keep it private.
Only my parents and siblings know about our infertility struggles. I wouldn't say that I am ashamed, not anymore at least, but I really don't want the rest of my family and friends to keep asking me if I'm pregnant yet every time I see them.
Great post!
Yes! I feel exactly the same way! While I am open with a few family members and close friends, I really really really want it to be somewhat of a surprise when it does happen and I get to share the news.
That said, it is ALWAYS a miracle when babies are made, so even those who know about your struggle will be "surprised". And it sure it nice to be able to lean on them when you're feeling sad or down about it.
I am going through the same thing though - to tell or not to tell!
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