Grieving

I can't believe its been 5 weeks since I told you we are adopting.  I have been staying away from the computer and all things adoption & IF. Its eaiser for me to keep my distance and try to live my life while we wait for "the call" rather than having constant reminders.  I don't find as much comfort in blogging as I used to, maybe its because we are just waiting now.   I am writing today and will update every once in a while because I know that you guys are invested in my story.  I feel like I know some of you because I have been reading your blogs for 3 years and I love to hear how you are doing so that's why I will write.  I get sad when girls like us totally stop updating.  I feel like I need a "fix"!  So here it goes.....

I wrote this post back in May when DH & I found out that our last ditch effort didn't work, but I didn't publish it on this blog. 

My first reaction is to engross myself in the next plan. A few hours after getting the negative result I turned on the computer and starting researching adoption. After an hour I turned it off because I realized I need to grieve. This is a huge blow...to realize we may never have biological children. We may never get to see a positive pregnancy test, announce "we're pregnant", feel/see our baby kicking, be there when our child is born. All of these thing that the majority of the world get to do experience without even trying.

I know that adoption will bring some of those things, just in a different way. I am thankful that we have the opportunity to adopt, but I also need to grieve this dream and put it to rest so that I can fully open my heart to adoption.

I have found myself wishing life would quickly pass by till the next cycle, the next result for the past 3 YEARS! I can't believe that much time has gone by and we are no closer than we were before. We still don't have answers and we have thrown away so much money on hope. I am angry and sad.

There has been a constant ache in my heart for 3 years. During a cycle, the hopefulness dulls that ache, but every time we get a negative result if feels much stronger. Now it feels like I have a gaping hole in my heart. Its just amazing to me that my heart has been aching for so long. I'm not sure I will recognize that happy fulfilled feeling once we have a child!!

I am angry with my body. I told DH that I want to get a hysterectomy. That may be a bit dramatic, but what is the point of going through all of the bullshit EVERY single month is my body is not going to return the favor. I know a miracle could happen but I am not counting on it.

We grieved for the next month.  It was so hard to actually let myself feel the pain.  One specific moment will never leave my mind.  We were painting my office (which was supposed to be the nursery when we bought the house) and I tripped walking out of the room and my foot went through the door across the hall.  I was so upset because now we have to replace it.  That was the icing on the cake for me.  I started yelling and screaming and ran into my room and fell on the floor.  I haven't sobbed that hard since my dad past away in Dec 2009.  My body and face were tingling.  I let 3 years of infertility out right then and there.  DH didn't know what to do, but he didn't try and make it better.  He did what I needed most....he laid down on the floor right next to me and didn't say a word.  It was such a small gesture but it meant the world to me.  It actually made me cry harder because I realized how lucky I am to have him as my partner in this f**ked up situation.  After I stopped hyperventilating we laid on the floor together and talked.  It was so therapeutic.

For the next month I had really bad days and instead of igorning them and trying to distract myself I faced them head on.  It hurt like hell but I knew I had to do it.  DH & I had many "poor us" conversations and grieved our dream of having a biological child.  Besides losing our parents, that was the hardest thing we have ever done.   After about a month of hell we saw the clouds part and realized our hearts were ready to move towards adoption. 

I don't have anymore time today so I will be back soon to explain more.  If you have any specific questions feel free to ask & I will try and answer them in my next post.